


understanding levi

by momcreep



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Dissociative Identity Disorder, Eren helps Levi a lot, F/F, F/M, Gen, Levi cries a lot, Levi has anxiety, M/M, Mental Hospital, Panic Attacks, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, attack on titan - Freeform, eren and the 104th are theatre dorks, eren turns levi into a theatre dork, ereri, highschool, levi has a cat named pinecone, levi is kind of ooc in the beginning, someone stop him, the entire 104th makes levi feel very loved, the mental hospital is only a part of the story, the setting is mainly highschool, they help him with his anxiety, well not really idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3760192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momcreep/pseuds/momcreep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I haven't cured anything- but something seismic is happening in me. I feel my body wrapped up and slapped on top of my spine. I feel the heart that beat early in the morning on that Saturday and told me I didn't want to die. I feel the lungs that did their work quietly inside that hospital. I feel the hands that can make art and touch Eren- think of all the tools you have. I feel the feet that can run and take me anywhere I want, into the park and out of it and down the street to Eren's house.<br/>But most of all, I feel my brain.<br/>Up in there, taking in blood and noticing humor and light and smells and dogs and every other thing in the world- everything in my life is all in my brain, so it would be natural that when my brain was screwed up, everything in my life would be.<br/>I feel my brain on the top of my spine and I feel it shift to the left.<br/>That's it.<br/>It happens in my brain once the rest of my body has moved. I don't know where my brain went. It got knocked off-kilter somewhere. It got caught up in some shit it couldn't deal with. But now it's back- connected to my spine, and ready to take charge.</p><p>(on hiatus)</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	understanding levi

**Author's Note:**

> off hiatus as of (1/16/16)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> therapy, smiles, & theatre club

It’s hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. Like, physically hard. You can’t make the words come out of your mouth. They stand at the edge, too afraid to jump. Kind of like myself.   
        I tug on the sleeves of my jacket, pulling the cotton closer to my body. “Why the _fuck_ is it so cold,” I whisper. All I can think is that I don’t want to be here. My eyes look up at the AC, and for a second I feel as if I’m not real. The white walls of the therapy office seem to suffocate me. Where am I? My head is floating, and I want to scream with a mouth I don’t have. Please, _please, please,_ help me-  
  
“Levi? Are you with me?” Rico’s voice. I flinch, looking at her. “Was that one of them?” She asks, putting her hand on my knee. I bite my lip. “I don’t,” _Inhale_. “I don’t know.” _Exhale_.  
She smiles at me, and it’s soft. “That’s okay.” My eyes dart around the room, nervously. She notices this. “Levi, listen to me, sweetheart,” My hands are shaking. “You’re real. I’m right beside you. Here, look.” She takes both my hands and holds them in her own, rubbing my thumbs soothingly. “See? You can feel that, right? I’m with you, I promise.”  
  
I feel like a needy child, coming into my parents’ bedroom at 3 AM because I had a nightmare.  
  
Disgusting.  
  
 I clench my teeth and pull away from her harshly. “I don’t need your pity.”  
  
She smiles. “How about we talk about happy things, alright? Tell me something good about your life.” I grimace. Is she serious? “There’s nothing.” Rico huffs, running a hand through her hair. “C’mon, Levi. There is at least _something_ you enjoy on this Earth.”  
  
My nails dig into my knees through my pants. “Well,” I think about him. “His name is Eren.” Rico gives me a knowing look. “Oh? And what is this ‘Eren’ like?”  
  
Heat rises to my cheeks.  
  
“Eren is nice and he says ‘films’ instead of ‘movies.’ He’s in theatre club and he wants to be a director when he graduates. He has chestnut hair and eyes that look like the caribbean sea. He has one sister who’s adopted and his best friend’s name is Armin, but he also has lots of other friends. Eren says I’m his friend too.” I say quickly, and Rico leans back in her swirly chair and smiles wider. I think if she smiles any more it may break her face.  
  
“Levi, Levi, Levi,” I look up. “Huh?”   
“I think that you having Eren as a friend is good for you.” Rico leans forward, close to my face. “But please, don’t make him your anchor; reason for living. People go just as easily as they come. At the end of the day, all you’ve got is yourself.” I nod.  
  
I’ve always known this.  
  
“I know,  Doc.” She pats my back and clicks her tongue. “You mentioned Eren is in a theatre club, correct?”  
  
“Um, yeah.” She taps her pen on the clipboard for a second, and then grins. “Why don’t you join?”  
  
My eyes widen.  
  
“Rico- you and I both know I’d never be able to do that.”  
  
“There’s no such thing as never, Levi.”  
  
I sigh. In all honesty, I _did_ want to be in theatre. Whenever Eren talked about it-his eyes would light up. Brighter than they already are.  
  
I want to make Eren’s eyes do that.  
  
  
****

But I can’t.  
  
Rico stares at me, frowning. “It would be good for you, Levi. The first step in overcoming social anxiety is coming face to face with it, no matter how much you want to run away and hide.” She puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles slightly. “At least tell me you’ll think about it.”  
  
I nod, reluctantly. “Okay.” She grins. God, does she _ever_ stop smiling?  
  
“Atta’ boy, Levi. Now go home and get some rest.” I stand up from the cushioned chair and she walks me out of the therapy office and into the lobby.  
  
“I’ll see you next week, okay?” She says, giving me a hug. “Of course,” I smile slightly. “There’s no way I can ditch, you’d have the cops come to my house.” She laughs, and the corners of her eyes wrinkle. “We gotta do what we gotta do.”  
  
I push open the glass door and the cold air hits my face. It was already dark. “Damn, I can’t believe it’s this late.” I walk over to my Impala and pull the keys out of my back pocket, unlocking it and getting inside.   
I start the engine and drive home.  
  
-  
  
Shoving my hands into my pockets, I stumble up the staircase and into my apartment. “Pinecone!” The small cat runs to my feet as I flick on the light and I crouch down to pet her.  
  
She was a stray cat that Rico and I found. She seemed to like me, so I took her home.  
  
“Sorry I got home so late. I bet you were waiting for me to feed you, huh?” She meows and nudges her face into my hand. “C’mon, let's go get your food and head to bed.” I walk into the kitchen, her feet padding behind me. I reach up and grab the carton of cat food from the cupboard and pour it into her bowl. I wait for her to finish, and then walk down the hallway and into my bedroom. Pinecone runs for the bed and jumps onto the faded black comforter. Not bothering to change, I kick off my shoes and socks and lay down without pulling the sheets.  
  
  
As I drift off, I think about caribbean eyes and theatre club.

 ****  
  
  
**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here u go  
> first chapter, rewritten! tomorrow im going downtown with my friend and we're getting crepes and boba tea and then we're going to the art store to get paint and fabric. im so excited.  
> that being, i probably wont be able to update until saturday or sunday, but i might, we'll just have to see
> 
> i hope u liked this shitty thing  
> (p.s. NaNoWriMo is dreadful.)


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